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Big Structural Bordeaux: The Wine Mom's Choice

Posted on February 19th, 2020 in Satire, 2020 Elections, Neoliberalism by Cultura Obscura

Diet Rosé, baby gentrified city. Never was there ever a candidate so petty, do you think you'll be in love forever, do you think we'll be in love? 

As a wine mom who loves her Rose and non-prescribed benzodiazepines to get her through the tortuous milieu of suburban living, I seek a candidate who embodies my aesthetic ideals of who a politician is. A calm, reasonable person who values the civil discourse between our great American parties. A sort of President Bartlett if you will, who will bomb Yemeni children with a smile and ensure the security of our esteemed American imperium. Someone who isn't afraid to stand up for their identity when it is inconvenient for her, but at the same time knows her place within the professional managerial class: subservient to our ruling managers, knowing someday we may become them if we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps through hard work, snark, and dedication.  

This is why I, a white person, support Harvard Law's first POC (that's "people of color" for you little wokelets)  professor: Elizabeth Warren, a former Republican and Native American that will show the Bernie Bros who is #BossBabe. We need someone who will take the mantle of our liberal (yassss) Queen Hillary Rodham Clinton, who can keep White Feminism alive and ensure our voices remain at the forefront of any movement dedicated to the aesthetic of social justice. 

Throughout the entirety of 2018 and 2019, I spent untold hours every day hounding Bernie Bros on twitter, espousing the pro-establishment #Resistance creed, reminding independent voters to #VoteBlueNoMatterWho, and defending the Holy War against DRUMPF waged by our Republican FBI Daddy Mueller. Sure, some may claim that we have Trump Derangement Syndrome, that he is merely a product of the twisted system that created him, but they're wrong. Although President Bush killed half a million Iraqis and Obama deported millions more people than any president in history, they wore well-fitted suits and gave speeches written by a group of rich Ivy League bros that sound so precious to our lily-white sensibilities. Despite what the anti-white Cherokee Bro haters might say, Warren's DNA test revealed that she has had to face the hate and discrimination POC are far too familiar with, that of media scrutiny. 

Bernie Bros' claim that Warren does everything Bernie does but as a half measure. In some ways they're right, Warren only wants to absolve student debt for the least fortunate, she desires a "common sense" means-tested healthcare system, supports the expansion of green technologies through resource acquisition in foreign lands, and wants to keep the Hyde Amendment in place, ensuring that only our coastal elite brethren have access to abortion. But you know what? That's a good thing. As a "white moderate" Democrat, restricting access to government services presumed universal keeps the minorities from being too uppity. As a result, I feel she follows MLK's political ideal, as someone:

"who is more devoted to 'order' than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: 'I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action'; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a 'more convenient season.' "

As white Americans who are "woke," it is our imperative, to be the savior of the downtrodden minorities. This sort of paternalism has been fundamental to both the American and Christian ideologies since our great nation was founded. Our Founding Fathers exemplified this as kind slave masters, caring for his or HER slaves by ensuring their literacy and housing, something not even guaranteed today.

Big Structural Bailey. Courtesy: Reddit
Courtesy: Reddit

This is what Warren means when she speaks of big structural change, using a Golden Retriever named Bailey to help the average voter understand.  Just as Bailey is large and imposing with an amicable smile, Warren's administration will pass huge federal spending budgets dressed up all pretty to be less intimidating. And who doesn't like getting to splurge when they spend money, am I right?? Warren will ensure that our material conditions remain the same, unchanging to the wild increases in our great nation's GDP and operating budget. With that comes change, not anything formative or alters the status of most Americans; no, too much change is scary. Warren's big structural change will be friendly looking, like Bailey. We want change that doesn't impact our lives in any way and allows us to maintain our position within the American class system. We want someone who doesn't villainize our affluent friends. We want someone that will make us feel good in making change, but doesn't require us to make any real sacrifices. Warren is that woman, and that's why she's got my vote in the 2020 election.