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Bootlicker Uprising: Why My Right to Work Matters More Than Your Right to Health

Posted on April 25th, 2020 in Satire, Coronavirus by James Deal
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Courtesy: New York Times

"Please, corporate overlords, oppress us harder," cried Trump supporters rallying in Columbus, Ohio for the state to reopen. The protesters had arrived at capitals across the US, braving the highly contagious and deadly pandemic that has ravaged the country in order to beg for the right to sacrifice their lives for increased economic productivity. Is the desire to lay down one's life for the enrichment of the American oligarchs no longer a noble cause? Back in the good ol' days, we used to ask which boot to lick before venerating the billionaires. Should it be Bezos, Gates, Trump or Musk? We all love our Job Creators, especially when there's one for each American political faction. In that respect, we have FREEDOM. Conservatives have Trump, crypto nerds have Musk, liberals have Gates and everyone looooves Big Brain Bezos. All that was wanted for was the freedom to toil endlessly in order to produce value for the benevolent Capitalists that we worshipped. Oh how glorious it would be to return to the primetime of American History, where one could toil 60-70 hours a week in two part-time retail jobs, selling the capitalists' goods for pennies on the hour so that the wealthy might maintain their lavish lifestyles. What one wouldn't give to Make America Great Again and return to this grand American pastime: generating immense wealth for capitalists that don't work.

Lt. Governor Dan Patrick discusses re-opening the economy with Tucker Carlson.Courtesy: YouTube

Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick summed the sentiment of re-openers up nicely from the safety of his office during his latest interview with Tucker Carlson when he stated, "there are more important things than living… I don't want to die, nobody wants to die, but we [have] got to take some risk and get back in the game and get this country back up and running." The concept of risk is very important to grasp here. When a Capitalist starts up a small business, they must RISK losing a percentage point of their wealth. Although I risk a far greater percentage of my net worth by being five minutes late to work, relative wealth doesn't matter. My becoming homeless involves far less risk than that of the capitalist, since his business is nominally worth more than all of my possessions. Hence, it is of lesser risk for me to lose my life, as my life has lesser value than the risk taken in opening a small business. 

But alas, the times have changed and workers now have the gall to demand such luxuries as the right to healthcare without strings attached, a living wage, access to affordable housing, and food! We must mourn the death of the workers' will to slave away for minimal pay and benefits for the common good (of the oligarchs).