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Fauxrona Crisis: A Liberal Communist Conspiracy

Posted on May 22nd, 2020 in Satire, Coronavirus by Thomas Blokhed

Courtesy: BBC

Why must these liberal Commies of the Democratic Party continue to politicize suffering? Where does it end? First, they insisted that "putting brown children in cages is bad"––which isn't even a fair criticism, as they are clearly enclosures, not cages––and now they claim that Communist China's Coronavirus response is better than that of the United States? These ruthless leftists will seemingly stop at nothing to make human suffering political.

Rather  than sending thoughts and prayers like a true red-blooded American does in the face of such untenable circumstances, the Commie-bastard leftist heathens have the gall to demand meaningful change! They only care about their agenda of reducing human suffering, but fail to consider my suffering from boredom in quarantine and my inability to get a haircut; these Commies ignore the suffering of corporations who are losing profits in the meantime. For people that claim to care so much about "equality," they sure don't seem to care about how unfair it would be to the dead that have suffered to make the system more equitable. Why should future generations be allowed to suffer any less than we had to??

It seems the virus wasn't some spur of the moment Communist plan, but something long in the works… They've seemingly managed to use their Commie propaganda to brainwash the entirety of our great nation's doctors into believing that preventing the deaths of sixteen million people is worth keeping the country closed until we finally deal with this so-called "crisis." Body count be damned, we MUST reopen America again as soon as possible!! After all, people die all the time, but I've never had to miss out on my daily Baskin Robbins or hit up my favorite restaurant, McDonalds, until this flu hysteria got everyone fearing for their lives. Meanwhile, while I'm struggling to survive and cope with post-traumatic stress disorder stemming from my favorite brand of toilet paper being temporarily out of stock on Amazon, my leftist nephew just rolls his eyes when I try to express the suffering and innumerous horrors I've been forced to endure during this lockdown.

The red bastards have even gotten to my own mother! She now refuses to let me into her home to browbeat her over the line-by-line details of the percentage of her assets I'll be getting from her will; just another daily routine of many sacrificed on the altar of "saving lives." Yet still these looney liberals claim that the anguish of those dying from this disease and their families have it worse than I do!? I mean, yes, many may die in incredible pain due to lack of available or affordable treatment, but their suffering doesn't affect me, and I'm suffering a lot too! Some of these poors may even vote to make healthcare more affordable as a result of this pandemic, and that would just be un-American… I worked hard to afford health insurance and I shouldn't have to pay more taxes just for these lazy, entitled welfare-leeches to get health insurance! Bezos' mere existence is evidence that the American Dream is alive and well; if the poors wanted to afford to live, they should have simply pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and worked harder!